League Format (formerly known as the Group Stage)
It’s time for yours truly, the Qooligan, to take his snark to the Continent, providing pith and insight to the fixtures surrounding the newly “upgraded” UEFA Champions League (more on that in a later missive).
It’s bigger! It’s bloatier! And the rules for the League Format draw required the computational power of a quantum machine whose energy needs surpass those of small nations!
To quickly summarize…
The 36 Champions League clubs will play eight matches against eight different teams in a League Format. If you recall, the old Group Stage featured four teams playing each team twice. Match Week 1 featured 18 games, and here’s how it all ended up after three days of madness:
Don’t feel bad if this doesn’t make much sense… just know that being high is better (in football and in life, amirite?). In any event, all the scintillating match details can be found below….
September 17
Bayern München 9-2 Dinamo Zagreb
You read that right…. Even if the three PKs against Zagreb were bogus, Bayern would’ve notched the win with a weißewürst in one hand and a hefeweiße in the other. Hats off to Zagreb who fought back from 3-0 to make it interesting for a hot minute when the scoreline read 3-2.
Sporting 2-0 Lille
Lille drop to 10 men in the first half. Sporting fail to put serious hurt on them. Nothing more to say.
Real Madrid 3-1 Stuttgart
Kylian Mbappé & Antonio Rüdiger both score for Madrid, while Stuttgart striker Deniz Undav was quoted (about playing the defending champions): “We can’t crap our pants.” He scored; the team proceeded to crap pants.
Juventus 3-1 PSV Eindhoven
Trivia alert! Who was the first player to score in the newly established “League Format” of competition? Kenan Yildiz of Juventus. To be fair, it was a screamer of a shot. See the goal here.
Young Boys 0-3 Aston Villa
It took 41 years for Villa to return to the top flights of international club play, and they wasted no time in demolishing perennial Swiss champions Young Boys.
AC Milan 1-3 Liverpool
No hangover here after last week’s defeat to Nottingham Forest for Liverpool. Despite a rocky start (conceding a lovely goal to American Christian Pulisic in the 3rd minute) the lads from Anfield seized control and pocketed the 3 points.
September 18
Unlike Tuesday, which was full of vibrant play and dynamic scorelines, Wednesday’s fixtures were, frankly, dull (exceptions granted to Celtic and Dortmund).
Celtic 5-1 Slovan Bratislava
After 13 attempts, Celtic (and by association, Scotland) finally does something proper against continental competition (though calling Slovan competition is generous at best). Manager Brendan Rodgers after the match: “If the competition stops now we play Bayern Munich in the final.” Uh…
Club Brugge 0-3 Borussia Dortmund
Dortmund’s Jamie Bynoe-Gittens had a delightful day of doubles… scoring off a double-doink-deflection, and again after a double step-over to break the ankles of a pair of hapless Brugge defenders. A late penalty sealed the deal.
Sparta Prague 3-0 Red Bull Salzburg
We spoke of doubles & pairs above, now we speak thricely. The fixture’s third goal featured Sparta’s Qazim Laçi’s deft feint luring three Salzburg players into commitment… only to have the Albanian calmly pass the ball into the back of the net as that trifecta of players lay prone on the grass.
Paris Saint-Germain 1-0 Girona
PSG were underwhelming in victory. The star of the show was Girona’s keeper Paulo Gazzaniga. He had two outstanding saves to keep his team in the match; then an absolute howler in the 90th minute allowing the ball to slip between his legs.
Manchester City 0-0 Inter Milan.
Well, well, well… City are human after all. The hosts were lackluster and not on their usual tempo, their kit was abhorrent, and Inter were as tough defensively (particularly Alessandro Bastioni) as they usually are. Normally reliable goal-hounds Erland Haaland and Ilkay Gündogan both fired wide of the target.
Bologna 0-0 Shaktar Donensk
This match was bereft of any meaningful moments, except for a Shaktar PK miss in the 2nd minute.
September 19
Some quality matches occurred today, making Match Week 1 a bit of a shit sandwich overall. Well, at least the bread was fresh.
Monaco 2-1 Barcelona
Poor Eric García… left hanging after a poor pass from his keeper was intercepted, he paid the ultimate price of a direct red card after taking down Takumi Minamino. No argument on the call, which occurred in the 10th minute and put mighty Barcelona on the back foot. Despite a valiant effort from wünderkind Lamine Yamal, Monaco proved just resilient and creative enough to pull off the upset in front of a rapturous home crowd.
Brest 2-1 Sturm Graz
Meanwhile in the literal opposite part of France (look it up, geographically-challenged Yankee), Champions League newcomers Brest had a nearly perfect debut, locking down full points from an outclassed Sturm Graz (whose solitary goal was scored by a Brest defender). Whip me up a buckwheat crépe and some pommeaux to wash it down with!
Atlético Madrid 2-1 Red Bull Leipzig
Leipzig jumped to shock lead in the 4th minute after Benjamin Šeško (pesky Slovenian accents…) made a slick run, super pass, and then headed the keeper’s parry into the net. But Antoine Griezmann (a Frenchman who has never logged a minute playing for a French club) would not be denied, scoring off a fabulous half-volley and setting up the winning header from defender José María Giménez.
Atalanta 0-0 Arsenal
On paper, this should’ve been a cakewalk for the “new” Arsenal, all powered up on visions of securing shiny trophies for the case in north London. But paper is flimsy, and visions don’t score goals. If not for the INSANE double save from wonder-keeper David Raya against Mateo Retegui (watch it below, twice, it’s THAT good) the Gunners would be sitting in the Elimination seats.
Red Star Belgrade 1-2 Benfica
“Jolly Turkiyë was ready, they’d primed themselves well…” goes the refrain from the anti-war epic And the Band Played Waltzing Matilda. How does this relate to a match between Portugese and Serbian clubs? Well it’s my fucking article, mate… oh… and the two Benfica goals were scored by Kerem Akturkoglu and Orkun Kökçü (Turks! Gasp!)
Feyenoord 0-4 Bayer Leverkusen
Think Feyenoord are missing Arne Slot? They conceded four goals in the first half, walking into the dressing rooms under a chorus of boos and jeers from their home crowd. Painful.
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