Marco van Basten (Ajax -> AC Milan, 1987)

He scored one of the greatest volleys during the 1988 Euros. He won a Ballon d’Or and the Capocannoniere (Serie A’s award to the highest scorer) in 1989. The 0.62 goals/game over his seven year career at AC Milan is exceptional by nearly any standard (though still far below the 0.96 he had at Ajax). But still, you have to look at his 1987 move to AC Milan as the beginning of the end of one of the greatest strikers ever.  The notoriously brutal Italian defenders quite literally beat the living crap out of him, and the recurring ankle injuries from their attentions eventually forced him into an early retirement.

Philippe Coutinho (Liverpool -> Barcelona, 2019)

On paper, a transfer from Liverpool to Barcelona, and a stint at the latter that saw him win two La Liga titles, is not a failure. But looking deeper, this was a Barcelona that was just beginning to show the significant dry-rot in their previously perfect veneer. Financially, that Camp Nou would shell out $129 million (in today’s US dollars, the original amount was 106M euros) for an attacker with a 0.27 goals/game ratio speaks to the depths of Barcelona’s mismanagement. Philippe has been on loan every year since 2019, and is currently back with his boyhood club Vasco de Gama in Brazil.

Mario Balotelli (AC Milan -> Liverpool, 2014)

11 clubs in 18 years hints at issues within a player’s life that might go beyond the impact of a single transfer, but Mario Balotelli’s move to Liverpool in 2014 is as bad as they get. Mario is a striker; his job is to score goals. In one season with the Reds he scored exactly… one goal. In his second ‘Pool season was spent on loan with AC Milan and he also hit… one goal. To be fair, his spells with other clubs were more fruitful (he bagged 33 goals at Nice in 3 seasons and 22 goals in his first season with Adana Demirspor) but since 2014 he’s been a footnote, not a story.

Eden Hazard (Chelsea -> Real Madrid, 2019)

There just aren’t enough superlatives to describe how remarkable Eden Hazard was during his seven years at Chelsea. His 0.31 goals/game across all comps doesn’t come close to measuring his true impact on the game. But by any measure, once he moved to Real Madrid the wheels came off the vehicle. His goals/game plummeted to 0.09. His waistline expanded. He fought with his coaches. Then he limped into retirement at the tender age of 32. So sad.

Matthijs de Ligt (Ajax -> Juventus, 2019)

Someone should write a book called “Transfer Tales of Terror” and make it required reading for all academy players. It would have a chapter titled “Don’t Transfer Too Young” and the poster child for that would be Matthijs de Ligt. In 2019, at 20 years old he moved to Juventus for over 85.5 million euros! He couldn’t even legally drive in the Netherlands. Fast forward five years… de Ligt is at his third club, the dumpster fire called Manchester United, and his transfer fees have gone (in euros) €85.5M -> €77M -> €50M. No, his career is not dead but it’s clearly heading down….

Jota (Celtic -> Al-Ittihad, 2023)

The next chapter would cover Portugal’s Jota. 0.33 goals/game over two seasons at Celtic. He had a Glaswegian stadium chant in his honor. At 23 years old, Jota could have done ANYTHING. And he signs with… Al-Ittihad. WTF? His goal/game ratio duly dropped to 0.17 and he made an August ’24 move to Rennes. Hey Jota, was that oil money worth it? The good news is that he’s only 25, and hopefully can make a career recovery.

Danny Drinkwater (Leicester -> Chelsea, 2017)

This Manchester native and United academy prospect moved to Leicester in 2012, and was part of that incredible success story that culminated in the Foxes championship win in 2015-16. Really, at this time the world was his oyster and he signed to stay at Leicester through 2021. <Scratching noise indicating dramatic shift> One year later: he’s signed for Chelsea and nursing a serious injury. <Noise redux> It’s 2023, Drinkwater is announcing his retirement from football, the past five years with Chelsea culminating in 12 appearances and a single goal (plus 49 apps & 1 goal whilst on loan to four different clubs). We won’t even get into the off-field shenanigans (drunk-driving, bar fights) that occurred after his move to the Blues.

Oscar (Chelsea -> Shanghai Port, 2017)

I’m not saying that Oscar hasn’t had success playing for Shanghai Port (aka SIPG). He has a respectable 0.32 goals per game since joining in 2017 (that’s double the 0.16 he had at Chelsea but let’s be honest, the competition is not nearly as stiff in Asia). But since his move he has not been called up for Brazil, and he ceased to become on pretty much anyone’s radar. To his credit, he’s been forthright and honest in why he moved: “China has incredible financial power and sometimes makes offers that players can’t refuse.” Aside from the Godfather-ish nod (which could be a translation snafu), kudos for coming clear that money talks, and the bullsh!t walks…

Jack Grealish (Aston Villa -> Manchester City, 2021)

I’ve saved my hottest take for last… yep… I’m going THERE. England’s most beloved pair of calves made a BIG mistake by leaving his boyhood club of Aston Villa for the gilded but sterile halls of Manchester City. One of our Hooligan mantras is to be data-driven, but this is a pure heart call… But if you want data, here is it: Grealish’s cost per goal (based on his transfer fee adjusted to current dollars) is $12,800,000. Erling Haaland’s is $915,000. Case closed. Mic dropped. Disagree? Use the comments below.