“What’s that, Qooligan,” you exclaim, “there’s a World Cup happening!?”
Yes indeedy, because the 10th iteration of the 2024 FIFA Futsal World Cup is in full swing, running from 14 September through 6 October. And your host for this illustrious event is none other than…
Uzbekistan.
Uzbekistan, the perennial middle child of the -stan-ic nations. One of the few doubly landlocked nations on Earth. Not quite as fundamentalist & misogynistic as Afghanistan; nor as obscure & forgotten as Tajikistan. Easier to spell than Kyrgyzstan; more difficult to spell than Pakistan. Certainly more famous than Turkmenistan, but running a distant second in name recognition to Kazakhstan (thanks to Borat). I’m sure the Uzbeki oligarchs who bribed (cough) bid for this tournament probably hoped it would bring some positive news coverage to their nation.
It has not.
Not because Uzbekistan ranks 148th in the world in press freedom as calculated by Reporters Without Border (check out their site here). Not because the tournament has been rocked by scandal (though it has, more on that below). But simply because it’s futsal.
Just What is Futsal?
I can see your eyes glaze over through the web tracker, dear reader, so here’s my bullet list primer on futsal.
- Developed in Uruguay in 1930, but gained popularity in Brazil.
- Basically a small-sided version of soccer played indoors on a smooth surface.
- Though originally created for play on a basketball court, futsal currently uses the same court dimensions as team handball.
- The ball is smaller, heavier and less inflated so it bounces lower.
- There are four field players and a goalkeeper; the roster can carry 14 players.
- There are two 20 minute halves, one timeout per half and two referees along either touch line.
- Substitutions are “free,” meaning they can occur anytime during the play though players must enter and exit on the halfway line.
- The game is fast-paced, emphasizing crisp passing, constant movement and skilled ball control.
Now that you’re up to speed, let’s get back to our regularly scheduled program.
How Does this Tournament Work?
The Futsal World Cup follows a pattern familiar to most FIFA soccer tournaments. It consists of 24 teams from across the usual six confederations who punch their tickets via round robin qualification. At the tournament, they get divided into six pools and play each team in their pool once. The top two teams advance to the knockout rounds, along with the top four third place finishers. Then it’s a single elimination battle royale until only Brazil/Spain wins it all (that comment is not snark, those two nations have won 7 of the 9 previous trophies).
So far, so BORING… just your standard tournament rigamarole… right? Right. At least until Sunday, 22 September when the final game of Pool F between Iran/France was played at 20:00 UZT (Vietnam/Guatemala also played at the same time, but nobody, and I mean NOBODY, game two farts about that match). The winner of the Iran/France game would place first; the loser second. Both teams had torn through their earlier matches, notching 16 (Iran) and 13 (France) goals. But right around the end of the first half, social media began buzzing, and not in a good way. I’m going to let the official highlights speak for themselves right now (via link, as FIFA does not allow video embeds in third party sites).
If you saw a LOT of action by Iran, and nothing from France until the very end, you’re not alone. To be fair, Iran is a very good team (4th in the FIFA rankings), so their dominance isn’t surprising. But France’s nonchalance is weird; they’re playing with all the energy of a reanimated corpse.
The final score was 4-1 to Iran. And this is where the scandal comes in.
Scandal You Say? Tell Me More!
Observant folks who nerd out on bracketology would have seen that coming in 2nd in Pool F is actually better than finishing 1st. First place moves on to face Afcon champion Morocco (FIFA Ranking 6) in the Round of 16 and if victorious would then likely face Brazil (1) in the quarter-finals. The runner-up would face Thailand (9) and if victorious probably face Portugal (2) or Argentina (5). The runner-up path still isn’t a cakewalk, but it’s an obviously easier one.
Could France -GASP- have intentionally lost the game? Many, many people think so, and so vehement was their protest that we understand FIFA is investigating potential violations of “match manipulation” and breaches of “the spirit of the game.”
| FR Opp. | Goals | Shots | On Target | Off Target |
| Guatemala | 6 | 60 | 20 | 25 |
| Venezuela | 7 | 30 | 13 | 9 |
| Iran | 1 | 8 | 3 | 4 |
I’m no statistician, but that graph stinks like microwaved fish. It certainly lends compelling circumstantial evidence to the multitude of accusations. And there there’s this:
But the Qooligan won’t judge. All that matters is we have a scandal at a FIFA tournament, thus keeping a grand tradition alive! Huzzah!
Stay tuned for more reports.
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