Mauricio Pochettino is a perfectly fine manager with some world-class credentials, which is why I question his choice of joining a faltering, dysfunctional organization with a bloated roster and only middling results. Whoops, I time-traveled back to 2023’s Chelsea.

I’m talking about the USMNT.

The USMNT? I’m not alone in questioning this… Men In Blazers’ Roger Bennett looks confused as well (yes, I know it’s a doctored photo). Didn’t Mauricio get enough raving Yankee lunatic crazy from having to breathe the same air as Todd “I Have Billions But Can’t Afford A Decent Haircut” Boehly? 

Look, Mauricio had the nous to leap off that West London flaming, sinking dumpster ship. And to his credit. although he only stayed less than one year, he did make Chelsea better (they finished 6th after the previous season’s embarrassing 12th place slot below, ahem, Crystal Palace).

MaurPo (hey, just trying it on) must have a major Florence Nightingale mania for trying to nurse sad franchises back into a semblance of rigor. Or maybe he just likes the smell of US Soccer cash. In any event, at the helm of the USMNT he will not be subjected to fan vitriol and backroom executive shenanigans on a weekly basis. The team plays infrequently and unless there’s a major world tournament in which to spectacularly shit-the-bed while Alexi Lalas’ wan smile threatens to tear his Botoxed face apart while he offers up his latest Power Rankings, most folks simply do not care enough. I suppose this gives him some breathing space before the first kickoff of the 2026 World Cup (hell… he doesn’t even have to go through qualification!).

Personally, I was hoping we’d get a different Argentinian manager to come scream at our lads. Marcelo Bielsa is like every mouth-foaming, know-it-all, American dad at the sidelines of his child’s U10 game hollering at the referee or exhorting the players to “keep fighting!”

This guy has never been captured on film with anything less than a scowl or a sneer, while Mauricio seems like the helpful dude at the Total Wine who’s trying to convince you to buy the expensive bottle of malbec. 

But I suppose both are different sides of the great American coin (seething patriarchy and the unctuous up-sell). And with Mauricio we can finally put to bed the ridiculous notion of Jesse Marsch taking over. Marsch, a man so bereft of opportunity he chose to manage Canada’s national team. Canada. It’s only a matter of time before his drones get caught peeping in on the Kiwi’s training camp, I assure you. Honestly, who needs to spy on New Zealand soccer? 

In any event, let’s hope that Pochettino can follow in the steps of another one of Chelsea’s famed castoffs and find redemption outside the confines of Stamford Bridge.