Tottenham 4-1 West Ham
We’ll lead off Match Week 8 with a slow clap for the Spurs, who in eight short second half minutes buried a woefully sad West Ham side under three goals. Mohammad Kudus was the only Hammer with any spark, whether that be scoring early off the rebound or single-handedly taking potshots at Micky van de Ven and Pape Matar Sarr during stoppage time (for which he earned a straight red). Son Heung-min with the final dagger:
Fulham 1-3 Aston Villa
For nine minutes Fulham looked the real deal, Raúl Jiménez continuing his en fuego form from the international break (with an assist from Bernd Leno in goal to boot!). But alas the game is 90 minutes long. Villa proceeded to grab the Cottagers by the shorthairs with Morgan Rogers’ deflected strike, Emi Martinez’s too-easy save of Andreas Pereira’s limp PK and Ollie Watkins’ crushing header.
Ipswich 0-2 Everton
I’m running out of patience with the Tractor Boys. They had a must win against a beatable Everton and straight-up bottled it.
Manchester United 2-1 Brentford
Listen, I want to be positive. Really. I do. But I cannot see Ten Hag’s position any more secure after this match than before. Aside from the 3 points the most interesting fact to note is that it was Man U’s two youngest players (Alejandro Garnacho and Rasmus Højlund) who secured the win.
Newcastle 0-1 Brighton
Danny Welbeck’s goal was the football equivalent of a sucker punch… against the run of play and the reeling Magpies never recovered.
Southampton 2-3 Leicester
Sigh. I remember when Jordan Ayew used to do these things for Crystal Palace. All the same, fair play to Leicester who overcame a miserable first half to secure the win on a last second slow-motion smash-n-grab.
AFC Bournemouth 2-0 Arsenal
Gunners supporters… don’t blame the referees! Your team lost cause they made dumb-ass mistakes. The past two games they needed last-minute heroics to eke victory; they’ve withstood two previous matches with 10 men and secured a win and draw. Well this week their luck ran the f•ck out. And while y’all were whinging Bournemouth was doing this:
Wolverhampton 1-2 Manchester City
Watching on the telly making eggs, content with a draw and then “are you <beeping> kidding me?!”. When you speak of the dark arts of football, there is none darker than what City did to Wolves in the 95th minute: snatching a win in controversial fashion. Though there was nothing controversial about Gvardiol’s banger (below).
Liverpool 2-1 Chelsea
The Xeetsphere is all a-twitter with folks comparing the Saliba takedown (red) vs. the Tosin takedown (yellow) but Liverpool supporters are just sitting smug and cozy in their top-of-the-table position. Curtis Jones picked a perfect day to show up (thanks to @1947prod. for the swell highlight reel).
Nottingham Forest 1-2 BIG FAT ZERO – Crystal Palace
No, you did not enter an alternate universe. And no, I do not have any precognitive ability. But I am an optimist and dearly hope that printing this scoreline will make it so tomorrow. Watch this space…
I wrote the above on Sunday; by Monday afternoon I was dreading having to eat those words. Hey, at least I got half the scoreline correct… that’s something, right? Crystal Palace are in a doom cycle now. Don’t see how they get out of it.
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