September 28
Newcastle 1-1 Manchester City
The first installment of the EPL’s Petrogarch Derby (Editor: not a real thing) saw the welcome return of the Magpie’s aggressive, high press while City, still mourning the loss of Rodri, were far from their most ruthless. Honestly, this was the fairest result.
Arsenal 4-2 Leicester
By the Laws of Statistics (74% possession, 16 shots on frame, 17 corners), Arsenal’s win looked obvious but until the 94th minute the narrative was much darker. This scribe had pen sharpened to mock the Gunners for dropping two points after Leicester defender James Justin bagged a second-half double. Enter Leandro Trossard.
Brentford 1-1 West Ham
Was there a game here? The Qooligan’s London eyes are fixed south, and I have nothing to say on this one.
Chelsea 4-2 Brighton
At the end of last season wags remarked that Chelesa should rebrand as “Cole Palmer FC”. After the 22 year-old netted four in a twenty minute span (and could’ve had more), that idea doesn’t look farfetched. Visiting Seagull supporters serenaded Stamford with lusty booing, no doubt fueled by Chelea’s poaching of 11 Brighton players and coaches in the past 18 months.
Everton 2-1 Crystal Palace
“Bring me the head of Dwight McNeil!” cry Palace supporters. But this wouldn’t gloss over a dreadful second half collapse and a fairly abysmal opening six matches for the blue & red. First half Everton were booed; second half cheered. The Eagles gifted the Toffees a life preserver… will they know how to use it?
Nottingham Forest 0-1 Fulham
This was Forest’s first loss of the season. I’m shocked to be writing that but more surprised that the architects of Fulham’s victory were (checks notes)… Raúl Jiménez and Adama Traoré? Both players are five years from their league-shaking partnership with Wolves, with plenty of water (and terrible injuries) under the bridge. Nice to have them back, especially Traoré’s glistening guns.
Wolverhampton 1-2 Liverpool
Wolves did not look the part of bottom-table fodder, keeping league leaders Liverpool honest throughout most of this match. Ryan Gravenberch continues his assured dominance around the midfield; Mohamad Salah notched his fourth goal from the penalty spot for the win. Wolves have played 5 of the top teams in 6 matches, perhaps some easier competition will reward their efforts?
September 29
Ipswich 2-2 Aston Villa
Losses to City & Liverpool, but four draws otherwise, Ipswich are a proper PITA to play. Just ask a Villa side who would’ve jumped to the top of the table with a win, only to be denied by a late equalizer from Liam Delap.
Manchester United 0-3 Tottenham
Winner of this week’s “10 Ha-Has!” award, ManU did their best sad clown impression with an utter fiasco on display at Old Trafford. Just how anemic were the hosts? Even their red cards lacked conviction, with buck-toothed Bruno Fernandes taking an early stroll down the tunnel after a mild swipe on James Maddison. Not to take anything from their win, but Spurs should’ve logged at least two or three more goals.
September 30
Bournemouth 3-1 Southampton
I was anticipating this Monday match with all the enthusiasm of a root canal. The Saints were uniquely painful, defending with all the energy of an overweight friar after a feast-day largesse. The Cherries were bright and sharp, particularly in the opening half which saw three scintillating goals.
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