September 14

Southampton 0-3 Manchester United

Nothing like a wee trip to the southern coast to revitalize the spirit, eh? The refreshing sea breeze and peaceful lapping of the waves on the shore are enough to transform the most moribund of squads into something resembling a proper football team.

Aston Villa 3-2 Everton

The opposite of a superlative is… Everton? For a second week, the Toffees take a 2-0 lead and proceed to bottle it. Ollie Watkins’ brace were the initial two jabs that set Everton reeling, but supersub Jhon Dúran delivered the knockout blow with an absolutely INSANE strike from 30 yards out.

Incredible. Truly.

Crystal Palace 2-2 Leicester

Two squads that have yet to chalk a win manage to… not win again. Jean-Philippe Mateta grabbed the headlines after his brace, but Eddie Nketiah looked sharp on his Eagles debut. Onyinye Nditi was the puppet-master behind the Foxes two scores.

Liverpool 0-1 Nottingham Forest

Genuine and sincere slow clap for a stubborn Forest team who accomplished the near-impossible feat of blanking Liverpool at home. Callum Hudson-Odoi’s wonder strike gave the visitors the full three points, and their first win at Anfield in 55 years.

Fulham 1-1 West Ham

Hammers were lucky as fuck to walk out of Craven Cottage with that point. Another controversial non-call from the officials left Fulham steaming mad, but their lack of focus in the second half ultimately allowed Danny Ings to do what he does best… score off the bench.

In this cleverly edited photo, Marco lets the official know how he REALLY feels.

Brighton 0-0 Ipswich

Winner of this week’s fixture snoozefest. So many great storylines COULD have developed; none did.

Manchester City 2-1 Brentford

Prediction: When Man City fails to win a game, the result with be a 0-0 draw. Let’s face it, scoring first against the sky blues just triggers Haaland’s Revenge Mode and he goes frickin’ bonkers on you. Next week’s fixture against Arsenal appears to have a magic halo around it… should be incredible.

Bournemouth 0-1 Chelsea

It takes a lot to pull focus from the EPL’s favorite trash reality series The Real Billionaires of West London but Anthony Taylor certainly did his best, brandishing a record fourteen yellow cards. Chelsea is riding a luck wave right now (arguably Bournemouth were as good if not better and should’ve had a draw but for Francisco Evanilson’s limp and easily saved penalty attempt).

September 15

Tottenham 0-1 Arsenal

Gabriel might have thumped home the goal, but the real hero of the game? Nicolas Jover, the French set-piece coach who has molded the Gunners into one of the more dangerous dead-ball teams in the league. Ange looked even more constipated than usual on the sideline.

Mikael Arteta hugs Nicolas Jover, Arsenal’s unassuming set-piece assassin.

Wolves 1-2 Newcastle

Howe’s halftime subs sunk the reeling Wolves (though to be fair Fabian Schär’s first goal deflecting off defender Craig Dawson was cruel; the winning shot from Harvey Barnes sublime). Wolves are really hurting now… good efforts, raised chins but just cannot win.

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