Where Were We?

It only seems fitting that during the much maligned International Break, in which footy fans are treated to such mouth-watering fixtures as USA vs. Canada (friendly), San Marino vs. Liechtenstein and Moldova vs. Malta (Nations League Group D), we wrap up our searing exposé into another one of the innumerable, execrable and wholly unnecessary international tournaments: the FIFA Club World Cup.

In our previous missive (see here) we dove into the tournament’s checkered history (replete with bloody brawls, shady autocrats and financial scandal) – now we focus our lens on its current implementation and, oh joy of joys, how it will be “updated” and “improved” starting in 2025. Are we having fun yet?

The Tournament Renewed 2005-2023

The FIFA Club World Cup is an annual event, unlike four-year cycle of UEFA’s Euros or the World Cup-people-care-about. Countries bribe *cough* bid for hosting rights, though between 2005-2023 only five nations have stepped up to the plate: Japan 8 times (likely a legacy of the Toyota sponsorship), the United Arab Emirates 5 times, Morocco 3 times, Qatar twice and Saudi Arabia once.

Six or seven clubs participate (no shock for the former as there are six global football confederations, and see below for how the seventh team is used). The UEFA and CONMEBOL confederation champions are given automatic byes to the semi-finals. In the six-team format the other four teams play single-elimination quarter-finals. In the seven-team format, the OSL confederation team has to defeat a selected club team from the host country in a play-in game in order to qualify for the next round. Yes, once again FIFA continues their fine tradition of crapping on the smallest and weakest confederation in the world (sorry, Oceania).

If you’re thinking the odds are stacked in favor of the UEFA and CONMEBOL champions… you’re right! The match format is rigged so that UEFA and CONMEBOL teams can never face each other unless it’s in the final. And surprise surprise, only six teams not from UEFA and CONMEBOL have ever advanced out of the elimination rounds to compete in the final match – and none have ever won the trophy.

All Hail the six clubs who defied the odds to play (and lose) in the Club World Cup finals!

Of course there is fiduciary largesse for all participants… $16.5M to be divvied out like Halloween candy. For the 2023 winners Manchester City, the $5M payout barely covered their travel bill (particularly the extra leg-room seat to accommodate Jack Grealish’s calves). But for a club like Auckland City, even suffering the humiliation of a play-in loss can yield $0.5M in found cash. And don’t think for a second that straight-outta-Lubumbashi TP Mazembe’s 2010 nobody-saw-this-coming runner’s up finish (and $4M ka-ching) didn’t factor into their purchase of an airplane to make intercontinental team travel easier (thank you, BBC Sport archive).

I could remove my cynic’s goggles and wax poetically about how it’s not just about the money, and how every underdog deserves a chance, blah blah, but I’m too smart for that and, frankly, dear reader, I give you the same intellectual credit.

But Wait… There’s More!

Like any M. Night Shyamalan movie, a FIFA tournament wouldn’t be complete without a shocking twist — and the FIFA Club World Cup is no different.

No longer content to toss pocket change and hardware to clubs who already won their respective continental accolades, FIFA is jumping on the “bigger is better” bandwagon and will be expanding the tournament to 32 teams starting in 2025. The brainchild behind this plan… none other than FIFA president and runner-up in Switzerland’s Dr. Evil Look-Alike contest Gianni Infantino. ‘Nuff said.

I hear grumbling and see hands raised in the back. What’s that you say? How can you have a “best of” competition when there are only six confederation club winners every year?

It’s a fair question, and the answer is (FIFA statement) “[a] set of objective metrics and criteria.” Human translation: “voodoo.” See, all confederations cup winners within the past FOUR years are now eligible (this word is important), and if you can do your math that adds up to 24 teams; assuming you have a different winning club every year. Even the mouth-breathers at FIFA HQ know 24 < 32, so they backtracked into the well-worn rut of regional slotting to round it out.

The FIFA Council at their annual hootenanny. (Editor: “No it isn’t”)

Regional slotting is when a gaggle of over-paid, saggy genitalia (aka the FIFA Council) meet in their volcano lair and choose how many teams get to come to their little party from each confederation. Without any coercion, bribery or furor the Council voted to give UEFA 12 slots, CONMEBOL 6 slots, 4 slots each go to the AFC, CAF and CONCACAF and to the runt of the football world, the OFC, 1 measly slot. The final slot goes to the host country, in this case the United States.

Yes, the OFC gets fucked once again. Honestly FIFA, take them out for dinner and a movie first.

So if you win (within the past four years), you’re in (unless you’re from the OFC). And for 2025 previous winners accounted for 16 of the 32 slots. The other half then get determined by the magic/science of club ranking… yet another convoluted “set of objective metrics and criteria” that requires a double-sided chalkboard and tortured academic genius to scrawl out the formulae.

Eureka! Based on my models… Boca Juniors should qualify from CONMEBOL.

All snarkiness aside, the club ranking has yielded some interesting selections for the 2025 fixture:

  • AFC: Ulsan HD (South Korea)
  • CAF: Espérance de Tunis (Tunisia); Mamelodi Sundowns (South Africa)
  • CONCACAF: None. All four slots taken by previous years winners
  • CONMEBOL: Boca Juniors & River Plate (Argentina). Also note that the 2024 Champion will be decided on the November 30th final.
  • OFC: Auckland City (determined to be highest ranked of the past four winners)
  • UEFA: Red Bull Salzburg (Austria); Paris Saint-Germain (France); Bayern München & Borussia Dortmund (Germany); Inter Milan & Juventus (Italy); Benfica & Porto (Portugal); Atlético Madrid (Spain)

Criticism and Controversy

All of the above begs the question of whether anyone outside of FIFA’s wallet NEEDS another multi-week tournament, or whether such an endeavor is good for the game, or perhaps the players. 

FIFPRO, a global union representing professional football athletes, has concerns. So too does the World Leagues Forum, who represent professional leagues. Both organizations raised questions about how more fixtures would impact an already congested playing schedule, and the subsequent effect on player health and welfare.

FIXTURE#GAMESTIMEFRAMERESULT
Pre-Season “Tour”37/23/23 – 7/30/23Friendlies
FA Community Shield18/6/23Lost
Premier League388/11/23 – 5/19/24Winner
Champion’s League109/19/23 – 3/13/24Eliminated in quarter-finals
FA Cup61/6/24 – 5/25/24Runner-up
Club World Cup212/19/23 – 12/22/23Winner
TOTAL GAMES597/23/23 – 5/24/24Exhaustion
Manchester City’s 2023/2024 Game Schedule

Manchester City played 59 games in 300 days. That’s an average of one game every 5.08 days. This doesn’t even take into account playing for one’s national team (which comprises 75% of the roster), layering on another 8 games a season. Where do they have time to recover? Buy Christmas gifts? Let alone train or have a social life? (Notwithstanding Phil Foden for producing his 3rd child and adding to his tattoo collection, but he’s only 23 and youth does not lack for energy in the boudoir or the parlour chair.)

I’m not one to shed tears over the workload of a professional athlete who makes X times more than the UK’s annual salary in one week’s wages, but at the same time I do feel some empathy towards them as fellow (if fitter) humans.

There’s also the sticky point of the Summer Transfer Window and Free Agency. As the 2025 Cup will be held between June 15-July 13, this could be a factor. A player could very well be traded mid-tournament, or have their contract expire (June 30 is the most common date for player contracts to run out). What then?

In short… FIFA don’t care.

Responding to the FIFPRO complaint over congested scheduling, FIFA countered that the union’s argument was “not supported by facts” and it’s all fine, no really, it’s OK. “Erling Haaland is a cyborg goal-bot,” they continued, “and only needs a gentle lubing to be good as new the next morning” OK, they didn’t say that last one, but we were all thinking it, right?

And as for transfer windows or expired contracts, please do not deign to wrinkle the alabaster smoothness of Gianni’s brow with such trifling and petty issues. He, er, FIFA has an empire to expand. Relax, it will all work itself out in the end, trust them.

Final Thoughts

All I hope for is that James McAvoy gets cast as Gianni Infantino when Ishana Night Shyamalan takes to the director’s chair to film the psychological thriller “Bloat: A FIFA Story” sometime in 2027.

I should get an agent’s cut for this genius (above: McAvoy as Professor X)

Until then, I’ll take solace in yet another one of life’s inevitabilities: death, taxes, and expanding FIFA tournaments.

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