September 1, 2024
Chelsea 1-1 Crystal Palace
Chelsea supporters… I told you last week your team’s not THAT good. But it took an absolute cracker from Eberechi Eze (that didn’t hit the frame) to seal the Eagles a point.
Newcastle 2-1 Tottenham
64% possession, 12 corners, 14 shots (6 on target) and all you have for me is an own goal? That’s an obscure ‘80s beer commercial nod, but Ange must be checking Google Flights for one-way tix to Sydney. Hey Ange, search on Tuesday for the best deals.
Manchester United 0-3 Liverpool

The final fixture of the weekend featured a Man U squad who showed everyone how somnambulists play the game. Nothing epitomized the hapless Reds more than Carlos Casemiro: slow, off-target and out-classed. Mohamed Salah might not be as mechanic- ally merciless as Haaland, but 3 goals & 3 assists in 3 games is pretty damned impressive (as is that 6-pac, woof).
August 31, 2024
Arsenal 1-1 Brighton
I’m never one to give a Gooner any slack, but that red card against Declan Rice was a travesty. It’s a testament to his class that he was sanguine and contrite ‘bout it in the post-match interview, leaving gaffer Mikael Arteta to scowl, gnash and unload his angry spiel at such an injustice. The red card, not the performance.
Brentford 3-1 Southampton
With Ivan Toney rapidly disappearing in the rear-view mirror, Bryan Mbeumo and Yoane Wissa have stepped up to be the Bees’ one-two punch. If Aaron Ramsdale thought he could revive his career in Southampton those two delivered a rude awakening.
Everton 2-3 Bournemouth
Almost walked away from this one. So glad I didn’t. Can’t heap anymore manure on top of the Toffees than they’ve already heaped upon themselves with that absolute embarrassment of a collapse. Mad props to the Cherries for finally showing up to play with 15 minutes remaining.

Ipswich 1-1 Fulham
This was the real season opener for Ipswich (prior fixtures vs. L’pool and Man C being cruel jests from the EPL schedulers) and the Tractor Boys dragged out a point in a tense battle with the Cottagers. Lovely equalizing finish from the footballer-with-a-rugby-bod and best-glistening-biceps Adama Traore.
Leicester 1-2 Aston Villa
“Will-he-or-won’t-he” drama-queen Jhon Durán looks to be content in Villa claret-n-blue after his second substitution game-winning goal in three matches. Surprise, surprise… Leicester manager Steve Cooper has issues with the officiating.
Nottingham Forest 1-1 Wolverhampton
I confess. I didn’t watch this one.
West Ham 1-3 Manchester City
Erling Haaland’s post-match interview: “Crush your enemies, see dem driven before you, and hear the lamentations of da wimmen!”

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