August 25, 2024
Liverpool 2-0 Brentford
Luis Díaz notches a goal and assist in his 100th appearance for the Reds, while Salah continues to notch goals in an easy romp over outclassed Bees.
Wolverhampton 2-6 Chelsea
Cole Palmer finds that chilly swagger, but the real story is Noni Madueke’s hat-trick. Fair warning to Chelsea fans… they ain’t THAT good. Watch.
Bournemouth 1-1 Newcastle
The VAR booth saves a limp Newcastle squad from a long, awkward coach-ride north under Howe’s angry gaze.
August 24, 2024
Aston Villa 0-2 Arsenal
Ollie Watkins squanders multiple chances as Villa fall short. Gunners propelled to victory via Raya’s super-saves and super-sub Trossard netting two minutes after stepping on the pitch.
Crystal Palace 0-2 West Ham
Eze: “Bollocks that woodwork!” (disclaimer: not a real quote). Home team came undone after five minutes of sharpness from the visitors sparked by ex-Palace lad Aaron Wan-Bissaka. Well done to goal-scorers Soucek & Bowen who intervened to rescue a ballboy trapped by a falling hoarding (below). That’s all heart, no snark.

Fulham 2-1 Leicester
Smith Rowe looks to be good business; VAR gives Leicester a consolation goal.
Manchester City 4-1 Ipswich
- 7 (minute in which Ipswich bopped City in the nose with a goal)
- 12 (minute in which City answered courtesy of the Norwegian Goal Machine)
- 193 (seconds between Haaland’s converted pen and de Bruyne’s goal)
- 10 (hat-tricks by Haaland for city in all comps after 101 games)
- REE-DICK-U-LUSS

Behold!
This is the face of your club’s demise.
And the biggest thing to hit Manchester since the Oasis reunion.
Southampton 0-1 Nottingham Forest
Saints own the possession but lack the finishing as Forest’s 8 shots on target yield 1 winner.
Tottenham 4-0 Everton
I gave ten “ha”s for last week’s defeat; I should give Everton twelve for this week’s shitshow, plus an extra roll of loo-paper. But the greatest crime was how the Toffees made Spurs look competent, even good.
Brighton 2-1 Manchester United
United snoozed out GW1, then started it up in GW2 on the same tip. Quoth Ten-Hag: “We have to be more clinical in both boxes.” Ya think? Kudos to the Searats, er, Seagulls for pulling out a Man U-type victory in the 95th.
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