Game Week 1

August 19, 2024

Leicester 1-1 Tottenham

Cocks dominate but end up cucked by proper geezer Jamie Vardy. Bad scare for Rodrigo Bentancur; hope he’s all right.

August 18, 2024

Manchester City 2-0 Chelsea

Is there any silver lining for Chelsea outside of the garish accents on that home kit? And what was that song heard blasting from the City locker room after the game… “I got 115 problems but winning ain’t one…

Brentford 2-1 Crystal Palace

Cor, referee Samuel ­Barrott truly bottled that call on Eze’s free kick, then Wissa gets the favorable bounce to secure a Brentford win. The beautiful game can indeed be cruel.

August 17, 2024

Newcastle 1-0 Southampton

Díaz goads Schär into red but the Magpies still emerge with a win after Joelinton capitalizes on a defensive gaffe. Saints fans, you’d better start praying….

Nottingham Forest 1-1 Bournemouth

What a horror-show for poor Danilo, though positive news that he was discharged from the hospital later that day. Cherries did well to eke the point.

Brighton 3-0 Everton

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Everton. And just like that Brighton are top of the table. Wait? What? 

West Ham 1-2 Aston Villa

Absolute cracker of a match, and Dúran topped it by scoring for the claret and blue! Uh, the Brummy one, not the crossed irons. IYKYK.

Arsenal 2-0 Wolves

Visiting Wolves undone by an unreal Raya save (and their own lack of creativity). Saka gets the final laugh in what was a relatively easy victory.

Ipswich Town 0-2 Liverpool

Liverpool hate day games and Ipswich gave a good fight, but gaffer Arne Slot made some shrewd moves (not just limited to passing out much needed espresso shots) at the half to secure an opening win.

August 16, 2024

Manchester United 1-0 Fulham

Zzzzzzz. Snort. Wha? The game’s over? Does Ten-Hag still have a job? The Premier League deserved a better opening match than this bore-fest.

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